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| have u ever had a moment that everything comes into perspective? a few days ago my father, (my biological father) got into a car accident. he broke both of his legs and his arm. when they told me i was in shock. then by the time i got off the phone and called my stepfather i was in tears. i dont forgive him... not by far. but i don't want to lose my dad. its weird, i care about him but i dont. i love him, but it hurts. it hurts more knowing that i wont be able to talk to him. cause in a weird sorta way he understands me in a way nobody else does. i guess b/c no matter how much i try to deny it, he's my dad, and i guess i love him. i just hate where he lives. i wish that i had a relationship wit him when i was younger, b/c i wouldnt be feeling like this now. i have mixed feelings. but when i found out that he was in a car accident my heart stopped. i reverted back to a little kid, who was worried about her daddy, and whether he would be okay. i had to stop myself from asking how my daddy was, cause i mean what the hell would that look like, they think i don't care then all of a sudden i'm like "how's my daddy gonna be" or " is my daddy gonna live?" it would look so fake. i'm not a fake person so i kept my mouth shut. iono i have so many mixed feelings, i just hope that he gets better... | | |
| haven't updated in a while, lets see an update on my life.. still single as hell. i changed a lil bit from last quarter. i liked the change orginally, but now its like iono it seems like people are tryin to change me more. its like they're tryin to say ur not good enough as you are, we're gonna change u and make u a fuckin barbie our special brand of barbie. its like iono, its now like people are payin more attention to me, people actually want to hang ot, but they all wanna change me. it kinda hurts that they wanna do that. i mean i know i wasn't good enough, i neva am, but its just so in my face. it hurts my feelings, i mean now that i made a lil change isn't that good enough. i'm not what they're tryin to make me, i don't think anybody is realizing that. it really sucks, i changed so that i could manage myself better, but iono it makes me feel kinda sad. its not just guys that are doing this either, its like females too. other people it just really hurts. people couldn't see past the baggy clothes to the feel me, no they only wanna be your friend if u can help them with homework but when u look somwhat presentable all of a sudden no they don't want u to help them with there homework, they wanna go out. cause they finally are willing to be seen in public with you. people don't ever try and hit on u, u change one thing about urself and then they wanna sneak off to different floors? fuck that shit. i keep drifting inbetween anger and depression. iono maybe its pms talking, or maybe its the truth. people don't seem to understand me, but then again they never did. *sigh* this kinda sucks, and i found out that yunny might be going to iraq, and corey might be going to japan, i hope they both come back safe, i'm really not ready to be a mother, damn i think i'm stressed, i think i'm really depressed, or confused... don't kno why i would be confused. been thinking about the future lately, like a lot... this is y i made the choice to do what i'm thinkin about when i'm 29. cause iono i change my mind everyday. its sorta sad, i just wanna be loved, thats like the one thing i'm missin from my life, but then again thats the thing i'm probably always gonna be missin from my life. well no... nathan love's me... shit my godson doesn't know me, but i love him and i love mai girl yunny. i'm basically just rambling... i think i should stop now.. l8r | | |
| been really sensitive lately, its like things that shouldn't bug me do. most ppl don't even know that i'm like this, for the main fact nobody really cares. iono i'm confused about myself maybe i'm readin too deeping into things. but iono something feels right, but at the same time things keep buggin me lil questions. i know what i need from people but the one thing i need i can't get. i dont understand it. i want a lot from people, and its not fair to them. iono i'm so emotional, not crying emotional but just tired of things, i want to badly to trust people wit all of me, but i've been hurt too many times to do that. situations in my life have made me suspious and paranoid, i always have that feeling that i'm not good enough, not lovable enough, not smart enough for anybody to love or really care for. thats y i always try to kill myself, i always have the feeling that everybody would be better off without me, i mean nobody ever really wants me around. iono i feel odd, last night after the blog i felt great... i think i require too much from ppl... *sigh* i have to hot combin my hair... l8r | | |
| u know i really miss rice, i mean i've always loved rice, but college u really how much rice really means to you. not in the greatest of moods right now not exactly sure y. i think i miss rice. i also think i miss bein in a relationship w/e i'm not gonna be in one anytime soon so i guess i need to get ova it. i have to take my belly button ring out cause they didn't do the shit right and it migrated. i'm FINALLY allowed to get a job, go me. wanted to work at walmart but i don't think thats gonna happen. some ppl arent returnin my phone calls which really piss me off. thought we were better than that, but i guess that i was wrong. classes are hard. ppl are dumb, y the hell wouldn't u go to class for 2 and a half weeks?!?!? then wonder y ur failin... my racistity (i don't think thats a word) is gettin worse. oh well. finally got all my pics onto a cd. so i should be updatin my myspace soon. been realizin that a lot of my friends, really arent my friends, it hurts a lot but u have to move on. guess they were leaves, and their season is up, i must let go. which surprisinly isn't that hard, i just dont call 'em anymore.. not like i eva really called them. college is intresting ppl say shit, and talk about u but don't really know anything. ppl are quite stupid and they kinda annoy me but then when i'm a doctor these same ppl are gonna be askin me for money fuck that. had my lab finals this week, i think i did okay on 'em. i like water... and tea, thats y i bought 14 of 'em. i'm spongbob... i really don't understand y nobody likes me, and y nobody ever WANTS to be around me. it hurts, its like i try to be the be the best friend that i can and u dont even wanna be around me. ppl r like y don't i keep in touch, u dont keep in touch wit me, u say oh tasha she's nice yet not wanna call me? what the hell is that? thats kinda 2 faced. there are other friends that just try to walk all over me, yea i love u to death but u can only push a person so far before they snap. and wit some ppl i've already reached that point. u know i'll keep all ur shit, go outta my way for u, defend u when u need it, take care of u when u need to be taken care of, yet u can't do the same for me and then get offeded when i stop carin. u pushed me away. u made me feel like crap. i don't tell u shit anymore? well if w/e i told u didn't get all ova campus then we wouldnt have an issue. u dont like all of my friends, i don't like some of urs, don't say sht about mine and i wouldn't say shit about urs. this is great lettin emotions out. don't tell me i dont care, i tryed to but ur just gonna reject me like that, well fuck that and fuck u i don't give a fuck anymore. fuck it. don't talk to me like i'm ur best friend. u don't respect me i don't respect u, get ur shit together and ur life perfect before u start bitchin about mine. i don't have it hard? i'ma goddamn double fucking major, don't tell me i shouldn't be fucking tired. anyways.... godson is doing great, i'ma happy and very proud godmother. well i do believe i'm done, l8r ~natasha | | |
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